The process of death had begun within.

I woke every morning to the room stippled

In darkness as if I had been dreaming, black.

Like blotches behind my eyes. For years this

 happened but no one could tell me why. 

I attempted suicide twice and no one could tell 

me what was the darkness behind my eyes.  

You put me in that dark state to wake from an

 overdose crying my eyes out knowing your 

broken system could care not.

I came from a mental health session, where 

I asked again and these professionals

 were clueless. I flicked youtube and watched 

a  man in session with a mental health professor

 ask why he couldn't see images of his dead mother 

in his mind and it drove him to suicide. 

The professor said you suffer from Aphantasia.

 A blind imagination. Just a name filled me 

with hope. Why didn't the psyche mental

 health people tell me? I found out on youtube. 

That says a lot for Northern Ireland's mental health 

teams are so outdated and backward. I have

 mentioned the name Aphantasia to Doctors and

nurses who never heard of it and these people

are arrogant and look down their nose at me. You 

people need to fix the system and give people

the dignity to live or die, they never heard of it

and it was first diagnosed in 1580, to think 

I attempted suicide twice. 

The psyche team asked if would I hurt myself.

I said I didn't attempt suicide to die. I gambled

death to live, everyone has the right to live or die 

but they wouldn't understand positive suicide. 

My dis-abled reality took me right down with 

half a brain half a body 45 years of memory

wiped away living with aphasia, aphantasia, un-

walking living dead do you think that's humane?

 

Life for me is so inhumane, you live in a one-way

 blinkered moral ethics of medicine. I was so far

down that you couldn't see or help.  I was so far

 down I had no freedom of choice and yours is 

life suffer and die what about humanity, have you

 got any?

I knew something was wrong. Cleaning my ears

 one day a blob of black wax came from each ear.

 This substance is what I was seeing behind my

 eyes like a womb dream from looking at the

 darkness for too long.

 After that, I no longer saw the dark behind my

 eyes, ten years after my stroke. this residue 

was the death within me from dyin' in the I.C.U.

For seconds, death was deep within the locked-in

 syndrome and no one told me of this, I was on

 death's door for so long. I sensed in my grey ashen 

flimsy hologram why couldn't you.

I knew the consultants didn't know where I fitted

 whispering me away to choke and die but

 humanity and these words were not your blinkered

 one way,  I sensed it in my humanity. Every

 morning I woke to the room stippled, why can't

 mental health professions tell you of this, maybe 

they need to go on youtube.