3000 cuts
orange hall
Peter woke to a bright November day, he rubbed the gunk from his eyes drawn out by the T.V. doctor black eye mask. He was used to seeing black. It was black when he closed his eyes he suffered from, Aphantasia he lay there trying to see a snippet of a dream but he had a no-minds eye. he flicked through his blog on blodder.com. He couldn't remember what he wrote yesterday.
This was my mind-eye recycled image when he took the first stroke that struck my balance. Never would I walk, paralyzed down the right side that lost all long term no memory of my childhood, three children And a wife, no childhood, three children. My life was lived in a locked-in moment.No future said Johnnie Rotten, no projected hologram, both dead and gone.
The stroke left me in a wheelchair, covid was being hibernated, only caregivers and a niece. four people in two years. To years in bed to op top that I have, APHASIA. broken chords. So all I do is mumble poems on recycled distorted paintings.
adrianfox.org
Done twenty years, I cant conjure imagination so I write what i read on youtube cant cling onto memories. And I have a spinal disease, when I leave I can feel every bump in the road, can't even lay down, try to stay on one floor. Three weeks ago I had a blood infection, Sepsis took three or four weeks to recover, I am not telling you for pity this is the dog's honest truth I can't tell lies. the stroke took all sensation from my body leaving me impotently unable to use any touch screen, all my nerve endings are. I find it so difficult to find
the buzz of life as life has no stimulation and most things are written from memory true or false so it just ends up depressing me as i know ill never be able to live as they lived. even the Paralympics depresses me as I'm paralyzed down my right side, with only the use of one hand so I cant propel a wheelchair, end up going round and round. i want to take part in life but I know i will never walk so what's the use in living none, people think I'm saying that out of depression but again it's the dog's honest truth. I don't believe in God as there is no such entity in my mind I think I live in the right hemisphere of my mind the left is erased or damaged.
Before all this, I was a creative wring tutor with a masters degree with seven collections of 5 of my own and 2 anthologies the classes I used to teach. I had a young girlfriend who I loved, i created a cd with a folk singing friend based on lost lives which we called violets anagram we toured it in Germany, Amsterdam Belgium prisons and Ireland north and south and even did a session in the secondary school I tried to burn to the ground. I'm amazed at how I remember this and can't remember my family and friends.
I have been taking lions mane a mushroom compound that helps memory so hopefully, one day that keeps me alive and my blogs of pomes, notice I don't call them poetry, my poems used to be created from dreams and memory now I have none so I write for myself and post them on Facebook some have been published but I never wrote for money I believe that poetry like sunshine is free in both senses.
