1.

2.

3.

4.

Waiting for my care to and care and A

Sorted it out in just a minute, switched

the tv off and on by the plugged in my 

comp-utter as if I had no utterance all 

in silent utterance. 

To think that once

I was so independent now I'm like in-

Fant in a cot, I would be lost without

Homecare twenty-four I just wish there

Was a night shift helpline my bed

and t-shirt but I can smell it lingers

on your being like a lost and lonely

memory. Fading like a hollow-

gram that holds no weight.

 

The smell filled the room like

An abattoir, I was soaked for

Hours waiting for my morning

Call, care to call, and care.

Black is the color of me my

Tv comp u- piss, nothing else

It doesn’t rain but it fucking

Pours.

 

I could feel the creak in my neck

and the death rattle in my throat.

I am on a high-dose fentanyl patch

And liquid morphine and I still can't

fucking move. Two people have to

roll me.

 

I shove my boulder up the hill

to fall every 24 Deja Vu days 

on repetitive repeat. Imagine 

the myth of Sisyphus with 

a brain injury and aphasia. 

Aphantstic gives me hope to 

blog and deal with this trauma. 

Camus’ myth is so negatively 

cap-able like Nietzsche and his 

will to power or Schopenhauer's 

studies of will from a pessi-

mystical view. 

As Keats once said:

There is strength in their bleak view.

Think the right way and everything

will be sound.

I lay there in a black face mask

not even able to dream poems

like I used to. I wrote this poem

in my head, that’s my daydream

state, the mindset of the write

hemisphere my blog of life.

 

I love that line by Robert Lowell

‘yet why not say what happened

 

GET ME TO FUCK OUT OF HERE, PLEASE!

 

I leveled a virtual keyboard and docked 

it into a sphere I asked myself why did 

I just do that virtual organizing?

 Instinct, It takes me back to the beginning 

of life when I had to find order in my chaos 

being in that bubble of liquid, that tiny pocket 

of air. That’s where I found my level of life. 

In my mother and my children, I can't remember

 them but I hope they remember me?

 

I realized I built a wall around me, one of 

my first job was as a trainee bricklayer 

who went on to be a fabricator/welder, I was

 building myself up to be a molten force.

 

Back then there was a training Center like an

 Orwellian state, The Clash sang in the song 

career opportunities, anything they offer

you are to keep off the dole.

 I changed dock to dole to fit

my life style.

Pity there was no creative writing they wanted 

to keep in your place but I relished being a dole

 hopper-writer you had to dig down inside 

yourself to bring up the treasure. 

My time was my own

 

I didn’t live in a pension state, I lived on 

well-fare, your pride is priceless try not

to live on corporate greed. Maggie thatcher

the bitch turned me into a writer.

 

It backfired on the bitch and found my

inner worth. Once I found it

there was no looking back, it was

always in my inner being from a very

early age. 

Mentors like James simmons

took it out of me, I swore that I would 

give out the creative writing that jimmy 

gave to me.

 

All that leveling down gave me a leveling

up, all this from a square peg in a round-

hole. It was moot the Hoople that gave me 

that rebound cliche.

 

Writers/artists found her loophole, much

Like sanctions do today they backfire. 

Little do they know that they will never put 

us down.

 

Must be such a sorry state to be one of those

Politicians that ask for thousands an hour 

while I got £5: 90 a week, greed must be 

a sorry state, get me out of there!

 My name it is Matt hand-cock I am a celeb

Don’t you know, these tory toof’s have

Taken our very form of life and what makes

it worse were letting them, get me to fuck 

out of here, please.The will to find yourself 

is such a strong force it’s like the religion 

in you. 

You don’t need a cruci-fiction you have 

a cruci-fact and you can’t beat that truth, 

we're on a level playing field the level 

is in you, poetry like sunshine it's free.