Saturday 11 September 2021

 

    A SERIES OF SHORTS 1.  


ANOTHER CENTURY

(Digging up a past again)

 

 I never felt the beat of my heart until I was 

six years old. A two hour white knuckled 

journey, two sick bags later the aeroplane 

fell like a time machine and taxied to

a halt on the runway. 


A rush of blood surged through the young 

boys' veins he kissed his mothers bruised hand.

He watched the countryside disappear out

the back window of the taxi falling through 

civilisation shops school’s, people churches, 


  As they travelled a main road, he watched

 the grey clouds of depression follow them.

He heard is father say that boy needs good

kick in the ass, you molly-coddle him, this

town will sort him out, can't you see

he was frightened.

 

As the car turned at a mill, into the olde part

of town like going into another century, that’s

where your aunt Sarah works said his father

 passing a schools double spiked gate,


he said there’s your school, it stood empty

alone surrounded by a red brick wall topped

with rusted barbed wire.The car turned right 

onto a cobbled street,it thumped up past 

a group of rough looking boys playing football 

on the street while girls swung on ropes around 

gas lights converted year was nineteen sixty-seven.

 


The car pulled up and his father knocked on

a blood-red door. A mousy-haired woman

in a drab apron stood, her and the street

kids eyed them over like a family of animals.

All nine in a two up two down, they huddled

around the fire listening to Sarah who lost

three fingers at the mill spun stories of, Flax

street and banshees.

 

That night his mother tucked the little boy 

into a mattress on the lino floor. The boy was

afraid to use the outside toilet after hearing

tales of banshees. When she left he stood 

tearing the flea bites on his flesh.


he told Kcare that is etched into his broken

mind like livestock branded. The left him

crippled, his left brain was of 45 years of

memory, he couldn't remember his 3 kids

being born his childhood and a 20-year no

marriage, no x-mas celebrations no long-

term memory but this was tattooed under

his skin like the marrow in his bone.

 

 He stood there in his brothers hand me down 

pyjamas rolled up he tore his flesh, on the wall 

above his bed was the picture of a man in a crown 

of thorns drenched in blood. What is this evil place

he thought that people talk of banshees and death.


He pulled the curtain aside to see a full moon

Light up the street like it was high definition.

His mother came in with the bed pan, he asked

what is this evil place where people tell stories 

of banshees and death, she tucked him in again

don’t worry she said we will have our own

place soon.

 

He tore at his flesh looking out the window

Thinking the other side of the street was only

yards away. A man ran and stumbled on

the cobbled street from the alley chased

by police their numbers flashed in the moon-

light, they truncheoned him down kicked

him into the gutter one jumped into the air

and opened his head like a rotten tomato.

 

He boy stepped back from the street screen

That looked like a cinema silent movie,

 he threw up and retched as peas rolled on 

the lino floor. 


The next morning he was sent for broken biscuits 

to the greengrocers at the end of street it smelt 

of earth on potatoes and dulce from the sea 

the man said taste it and he spat it out, rancid.


He checked the gutter on the way back to make 

sure he wasn’t just dreaming but the blood 

was bleached white. That would be the norm 

for thirty years.

 

 


 YOU CANT BEAT THE TRUTH


A man lives in-

a shell-shock hell-cell

aphantasia

 

Long-term memory

is paralyzed aphasia:

Poet without a voice

NEGATIVE CAPABILITY

 

 


If it’s good enough for Keat’s then

Its good enough for me, Cockney

poet with negative capability.

Stroke, Aphantasia is a hurdle 

And a half paralyzed aphasia

A poet without a voice.

 





I am stating facts of cold grey matter.

I’m-poet-tent in a wheelchair under

Their tree with vibes of the Buddha.

These men are incomparable to any-

One else. Old age sickness and death.

Suffering is the truth, way of the world.

 

Harmony is a blasphemy, reach-out

For a touchable dream.




Friday 10 September 2021

 

Aphantastic   






finding your self in a hole at the bottom of a hole of solidude realising olny writing can save you.

  .

Aphantasia is the inability to visualize mental images, that is, not being able to picture something in one's mind. Many people with aphantasia are also unable to recall sounds, smells, or sensations of touch. Some also report prosopagnosia, the inability to recognize faces. The phenomenon was first described by Francis Galton in 1880 but has since remained relativ

ely unstudied. 

Interest in the phenomenon renewed after the publication of a study in 2015 conducted by a team led by Professor Adam Zeman of the University of Exeter, which also coined the term aphantasia. Research on the condition is still scarce. The term aphantasia is derived from the Ancient Greek word phantasia (φᾰντᾰσῐ́ᾱ), which translates to 'imagination', and the prefix a- (ᾰ̓-), which means 'without'. Hyperphantasia, where mental imagery is unusually vivid, is the opposite to Aphansia.to

Wow just a name lifted my spirit and inspired me to create this blog  Aphantastic 


APHANTASTIC


It’s Aphantastic to put a name on something

the very thing that drove me to suicide. 

For the last eighteen years, I have been 

writing blackhole poetry, my writing has 

pulled me from the ledge, as John Berryman 

called ‘The blind-brow.’ 


All those years spent in default mode, telling 

doctors, nurses and psychiatric professionals. 

Who had no clue about the blackness behind 

my eyes, unable to conjure up images from 

my mind's eye.


Unable to cling to images of my own sons, 

my childhood and my family. It was as if

I was a blank shell of a man.  At least now I’ve got 

a name, a reason for my anxiety.


I flicked through YouTube as I stay away from adverts. 

I watched a guy talking to a professor about 

how he couldn’t hold the images of his dead mother 

in his mind and thought he was going mad 

and the professor said he had a condition

called Aphantasia.


I have been trying to form from a formless mind but 

I knew I knew I was on to something, there was a method to my madness. The poems were feeding me hope, 

even it was a dark hope. 




Wow, just a name lifted my spirit and inspired 

me to create this blog of hopeless hope.

  

 

MY INNER BEING

Poetry puts me

in a flow state-zone of

Negative capability


You have to go in

to come out like an M.C.

Escher illustration


Thursday 9 September 2021


 

Feeling not meaning.

BBEFORE BASHO THERE WAS NO BASHO


A simple tree branches an active

imagination. I feel like someone

from the 12th century bare, raped,

pillaged twisted and torn.

 

The computer is my insulted quill,

a blackbird visits me and two

Magpies touch and touch me

above the mini daffodils.

 

Is rhyme what I’m searching for?

I don’t think so. Before Basho

there was no Basho, beyond poetry

words have an inner rhyme. I seek

feeling not meaning.


Basho


Translated into my world, it’s as if he’s here saying if your verse has one or two more or less sounds you need not to worry, give them crucial scrutiny, make the sound syllable true.




                                                                                            

Butterfly Flutter
nature opens up and drifts
like time itself

Strong coffee, pipe-
Tobacco and Tao Te Ching
you can’t beat the way.              

Get off your high horse

of capitalism, speak

to me of humanity

I killed a wasp in 
the bathroom with seamus heaneys
electric light


ff
you can’t bureat the way.              



Matsuo Basho

             The master of mind

                              And disability





Genuine Touch


I killed a wasp in the bath-

Room with Seamus Heaney’s’

Electric Light.



The sound of yellow

And black squelching

Against the windowpane



And the soft-back cover

Like a sudden charge

Of blue.






The Dream


Snippets of silken shadow.


The dream it seems I've been


having all my life flickers

in the light of day.



A catalyst without ink to stain

undulating through silk screen

frames, images appear.



White on white, in sleep it was

a bomb-blast of colour, all that

remains is shadow, words



I stored for this poem

lie fragmented

on the page.



Genuine Touch


I killed a wasp in the bath-

Room with Seamus Heaney’s’

Electric Light.



The sound of yellow

And black squelching

Against the windowpane



And the soft-back cover

Like a sudden charge

Of blue.






The Dream


Snippets of silken shadow.


The dream it seems I've been


having all my life flickers

in the light of day.



A catalyst without ink to stain

undulating through silk screen

frames, images appear.



White on white, in sleep it was

a bomb-blast of colour, all that

remains is shadow, words


I stored for this poem 

lie fragmented

on the page.
Poetry helps me
                                                                                                 
to survive my poverty
                                                                                          
good for the soul

 

                                     






Surrounded by dis-

Ability, hand rails, piss

Pots and wheelchairs



A butterfly flutters

By out of beauty

On stroke ward.





A crow caws black

Through the trees

On a moon-shine day.





A sunshine day-

By myself, spooning

Porridge gruel.




BEHIND THE BLUE DIsABLED DOOR

A life in almost Haiku

        

Behind the blue dis-

abled door that opens automatic

to let in care –



my mother gave me

something to get something

humanity



my dad played cards

to pass away the long day

heart attack blues




The girl from housing

called and said: you shouldn’t

be living like this



Past went up in smoke.

From the kitchen to computer

that’s my day, writing




moment us pomes like

this today. Compelled to write

Black-hole pomes.



His memory began

in two thousand and five-

When he woke from stroke



Coma, paralyzed down

right side with no speech. He spent

a year in a re-hab




hospital learning

to be himself again-

A year of trying


to dress himself and make a cup of tea.

         Butterfly Flutter
nature opens up and drifts
like time itself

Strong coffee, pipe-
Tobacco and  Tao Te Ching
you can’t beat the way.

HERE NOW AND NOW MUCKER I can't remember a moment by the half-door, it is etched into my broken mind. A verbal memory, A Fox skulk...