THESE ARE THE IMAGES I WOKE EVERYDAY
LOOKS LIKE I WROTE A MEMOIR/POEM HOPE YOU DONT MIND WRIING ART IS MY LIFE.
I REALLY ENJOY YOUR VIDEOS THE MUNCH PIECE WAS SUPERB I SAW DOCUMENTARY
BUT NEVER SO IN WE ARE BEYOND THAT LEVEL OF MENTAL WEALTH VAN GOGH AND
AND EGON, MUNCH. SHAME WE HAVE TO DIG SO DEEP IT'S LIKE DIGGING YOUR GRAVE.
DOWN IS UP MY HERO LOU READ. THESE IMAGES I WANT TO SHARE READ HAD TO
COME UNDER ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY MESSED UP HIS MIND AND THE MEMORIES
OF JOHNNY ROTTEN AND TOWNES VAN ZANT WE WOULDNT HAVE THEIR GENIUS OF
LIVING IN FUCKED UP ART HAS A WAY OF DIGGING UP TREASURE.
THESE IMAGES ARE FROM JUST WAKING UP FROM A MASSIVE STROKE THAT WOULD
HAVE KILLED AHORSE. I JUST WANT TO SHARE THESE IMAGES. THEY SAY I DIED FOR
SECONDS IN I.C.U. THESE DARK IMAGES ARE FROM A TIME WHEN I WOKE EVERY
MORNING WITH A STIPPLD DARKNESS LIKE BLOTCHES BEHIND MY EYES AND MY
MENTAL PSYCHE DOCTOR HAD NO CLUE OF THE BLACK BEHIND MY EYES,
THIS MY DIAGNOSIS:
I AM A PUBLISED POET CREATIVE WRITING TEACHER WELL I WAS MIND IS SO BROKEN
CANT CLING TO MEMORIIES NO MIND CAPACITY TO TEACH LIKE AN IN AN INFANT IN
ADULT BODY 45 YEARS OF MEMORY GONE LIVING UNWALKING DEAD. SO HERE GOES
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I THINK THE DARKNESS COMES FOMTHE DEATH THAT WAS INSIDE ME I WAS SEEING
THROUGH THE BLACK BEHIND MY EYE ONY AS I WAS CREATING THESE IMAGES I WAS
CLEANING MY EAR A BLOB OF BLACK WAX CAME FROM OTHER THE OTHER EAR NOT
A SMALL AMOUNT I NEVER BEFORE HAVE I SEEN SO MUCH SHOULD OF KEPT GOT IT
TO HAVE TESTED.
MY ART AND MY POETRY FOUND A FLOW STATE WITHIN EN IN A LOCKED IN
SYNDROME PARALYZED DOWN RIGHT UNWALKING UN-TALKING A MAN WHO LOST
ALL LONG=TERM, I CANT REMEMBER MARRIGE OF 20 YEARS AND THREE KIDS BUT
KNOW AND I HAVE NO IMAGERY NO EMOTIONAL ENGINEERING.
MY ARTWORK BECAME
LIGHER THE BLACK BEHIND MY EYES BRIGHTERONE DAY I CAME FROM MENTAL
HEALTH SESSION WHERE I ASKED AGIAN AND LOOKED AT ME AS IF MAD. CAME
HOME TOANOTHER LONELY DAY. MADE COFFEE FLICKED YOU STOPPED THE
WORD APHANTASIA INTRIGUED I WATCHED THE GUY WAS DEBATING PSYCHE
PROFESSORABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE AN IMAGE OF HIS DEAD MOTHER HE WAS
SO DOWN HE ATTEMPTS SUICIDE. JUST LIKE ME TWICE.
THE PROFESSOR SAID YOU SUFFER FROM A BLIND IMAGINATION APHANTASIA JUST
KNOWING THE NAME FILLED ME WITH HOPE I KNEW I WAS DIGGING DARK I KNEW
ALL ALONG THERE WAS HOPE METHOD TO MY MADNESS. I ATTEMPTED
SUICIDE TWICE, WILL YOU HURT YOURSELF, THEY HAD NO CLUE ABOUT APHANTASIA
MY BECAME HOPE BUT YOU HAVE TO THE BOTTOM TO COME. THIS APHANTASIA WAS
FOUND IN 1580 SOME THESE ARTIST HAD AND DIDNT KNOW. I TOLD THE PSYCHE TEAM
I DIDNT ATTEMPT SUICIDE TO DIE BUT I GAMBLED ON DEATH BECAUSE I WAS THE
BOTTOM AND ONLY A GAMBLE LIFE WOULD KILL OR CURE LIKE THE WAY WE GABLE.
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LIFE EVERYONE HAS THE RIGHT TO LIVE OR DIE BUTWE LIVE IN THE MORAL ETHICS
OF MEDICINE. I LIVE ON THE WRITE HEMISPHERE IN MY OWN MIND AND MIND ALONE.
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MARGAUIRETTE DUMAS SAID ON HER STUDIES OF MELANCHOLY: WHEN YOU FIND
YOUR IN A BLACKHOLE AT THE BOTTOM OF A BLACK HOLE REALIZING ONLY ART AND
WRITING CAN SAVE. THE WRITE HEMISPHERE IS MY BLOG HOPE AND I AM STICKING
TO IT.
It’s Aphantastic to put a name on something the very thing that drove
me to suicide. For the last eighteen
years, I have been writing black-
hole poetry, my writing has pulled
me from the ledge, as John Berryman
called ‘The blind-brow.’
All those years spent in default mode, telling doctors, nurses and psychiatric professionals who had no clue about
the blackness behind my eyes, unable
to conjure up images from my mind's eye.
Unable to cling to images of my own
sons, my childhood and my family.
It was as if I was a blank shell of a man.
At least now I’ve got a name, a reason
for my anxiety.
I have been trying to form from
a formless mind but I knew I knew
I was on to something, there was
a method to my madness. The poems
were feeding me hope,
even it was a dark hope.
I flicked through YouTube as I stay
away from adverts. I watched a guy
talking to a professor about how he couldn’t hold the images of his dead mother in his mind and thought he
was going mad and the professor
said he had a condition
called Aphantasia.
Wow, just a name lifted my spirit
and inspired me to create this
blog of hope.
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