MORAL MANGLE HYPOCHRISTY 

Really, truth be told my humanity 

has been put through a moral mangle 

for twenty years in this loop that isn’t 

humane humanity.

We have got to stop thinking of this

Christian narrow view.

We have to start to think humanity. 

I'm not here to blaspheme God

or in my case dog, he doesn't live

in my write hemisphere.

The left brain it seems is anger

angst religion, living in N.I.

For god and Ulster in a crusade

I have known war for half a life-

time. I just want to live in peace.

We have to bomb the shit 

out of each other to get 

peace my damaged mind 

can't comprehend this just

don't pick up that fucking gun.

We have hid behind the veil of 

christianity for so long, we are

stalling human evolution. We

cant get out so we have to put

up with living a twisted 

and demented life of hurt.

Fooder for yet another war

for our children's children.

I am not out to tell not to 

believe our minds are warped

with one world sugar sweet

and two loads the gun. 

How can we live in that world 

and not be a LIAR to ourselves.

I have received 

hundreds of thousands of pounds from 

an ethical medical stance.

I am very grateful for my well fare state but 

don’t you think it would be better spent 

on tomorrow's infrastructure not a wasted 

human nonbeing. Let's be real I know 

we need parameters this is my parameter.

I live with a real truth, not a bull story.

 What is the point, I don’t want to die but 

what a waste of resources this is. 

We need to be investing in a decent society 

for tomorrow. I have done my job been 

a father poet teaching creative writing 

my mind no longer has the capacity. 

I am damaged goods live with that truth 

I have to live in your nonsensical state. 

Every day for 20 years, it gets a bit tiring 

my sons and poeartry is out there. 

I have to live in your shadows and watch 

our world crumble away. All because 

of your narrow vision of hypochristy. 

Climate, cost of living transport, nursing 

education  and a -rainhousing crisis, we are going 

to end up sleeping or protesting on the streets. 

Boris bow down and get out the party-

 gate is padlocked.

 He should be arrested and slammed up 

with trump, imagine bojo-trump 

In the same cell that would be dark humor. 

Fixing their hair in the shower the rest is 

up to the imagination. 

He doesn’t even feel embarrassed and 

you are letting him off Scott free. 

Ok UK-rain is just another U.S. state 

when will you stand up for yourself. 

To humanity what is my point, purpose

 keeping me alive is breaking the system. 

I don’t add to this society, l just don’t 

                              see your point.

 

Wouldn’t I be better as someone who died 

for humanity, as Keats said there is a flaw 

in happiness he accepted his lot 

why cant you!

 Sentimentality will kill humanity, you should 

have calculated that I live without 

long-term memory. 

This has been living in a hell cell, I just 

don’t see your logic of keeping me alive 

to break the system, we have created suicide. 

John Berryman was right we live in a blind- 

brow, this is my daydream song 

of my reality, everyone should have 

the choice to live or die. 

You decided  my life in hell and your ok 

with your moral mangle what about me.

This world isn’t very humane. I don’t 

want your cheap life that is not worth living.  

We find hope in a stoic pessimism will 

and the will to power but you don’t hold 

weight to negative capability. 

I have been bedbound for three years 

my body has broken but must watch 

a six-foot man with legs like tree trunks 

wasting away. I don’t see your point 

this isn’t very nice,  humane.

you're stuck in your Christian view in 

a Plato cave. You and your waste of life 

forced me down the road to wake in 

the hospital crying my eyes out, I 

have to resort to that to find care 

and humanity in suicidal tendencies.

Thats a bit drastic it's your way or high-

way where do I fit into your bullshit.

 Give people the right to die, were 

big boys and girls aren't we? 

Give me the dignity to live to die. 

You made your decision now I have 

to live with that one but it takes two to

tango your giving me no choice, I have 

to go down your road to nowhere.

 

You are making existence cheap in an end-

less war live and by the sword.

I didn’t attempt suicide twice to die 

I did it to live, think of positive suicide 

stick your suicide tendencies. I gambled 

life and death it made my decision.

 Your bullshit value put me in a sad 

and rotten way. You belong to a nasty blood 

be gets bloodthirsty and warmongering.

 

 Jesus didn’t mean this way of life, living 

a holy 2000-year crusade In gods name. 

I want none of that, you disgust me. 

It's not ok to take a life in anybody’s 

name.

Snobbery has tripped up humanity 

and we are falling to the ground. 

There is only one way out for me but 

you can turn this around 

for the sake of humanity. 

Just like gambling on life, I gambled death.

 you put me in that position I didn’t see much 

point to life. Let me live to die, I was a poet/

father let me be remembered as that not 

a wasting lump of flesh waiting around to die. 

Give me hope not a cruel, cruel world 

living in a hopeless hope the only

 to find hope was gambling, I had 

to find even if that meant suicide.

 

My life how can you consult insult my life 

to live with half a brain, I haven’t

lived one second better than I did

before the stroke. I exist in this repetitive 

repeat a moment for twenty years 

do you think that’s fair? 

Think the right way round and everything will 

be sound recorded just before my stroke who by 

I cant remember.

 

As Peter Gabriel said ‘I can’t remember don’t 

recall I got no memory of anything at all’. 

Don’t get me a false hopes in these words

                  think of humanity.

If you find yourself in a black hole 

at the bottom of a black hole 

realizing only writing can save 

you.

 wrote marguerite dumass 

on her studies on melancholy.

 I found myself in that dark.

1.

2.

3.

4.

Waiting for my care to and care and A

Sorted it out in just a minute, switched

the tv off and on by the plugged in my 

comp-utter as if I had no utterance all 

in silent utterance. 

To think that once

I was so independent now I'm like in-

Fant in a cot, I would be lost without

Homecare twenty-four I just wish there

Was a night shift helpline my bed

and t-shirt but I can smell it lingers

on your being like a lost and lonely

memory. Fading like a hollow-

gram that holds no weight.

 

The smell filled the room like

An abattoir, I was soaked for

Hours waiting for my morning

Call, care to call, and care.

Black is the color of me my

Tv comp u- piss, nothing else

It doesn’t rain but it fucking

Pours.

 

I could feel the creak in my neck

and the death rattle in my throat.

I am on a high-dose fentanyl patch

And liquid morphine and I still can't

fucking move. Two people have to

roll me.

 

I shove my boulder up the hill

to fall every 24 Deja Vu days 

on repetitive repeat. Imagine 

the myth of Sisyphus with 

a brain injury and aphasia. 

Aphantstic gives me hope to 

blog and deal with this trauma. 

Camus’ myth is so negatively 

cap-able like Nietzsche and his 

will to power or Schopenhauer's 

studies of will from a pessi-

mystical view. 

As Keats once said:

There is strength in their bleak view.

Think the right way and everything

will be sound.

I lay there in a black face mask

not even able to dream poems

like I used to. I wrote this poem

in my head, that’s my daydream

state, the mindset of the write

hemisphere my blog of life.

 

I love that line by Robert Lowell

‘yet why not say what happened

 

GET ME TO FUCK OUT OF HERE, PLEASE!

 

I leveled a virtual keyboard and docked 

it into a sphere I asked myself why did 

I just do that virtual organizing?

 Instinct, It takes me back to the beginning 

of life when I had to find order in my chaos 

being in that bubble of liquid, that tiny pocket 

of air. That’s where I found my level of life. 

In my mother and my children, I can't remember

 them but I hope they remember me?

 

I realized I built a wall around me, one of 

my first job was as a trainee bricklayer 

who went on to be a fabricator/welder, I was

 building myself up to be a molten force.

 

Back then there was a training Center like an

 Orwellian state, The Clash sang in the song 

career opportunities, anything they offer

you are to keep off the dole.

 I changed dock to dole to fit

my life style.

Pity there was no creative writing they wanted 

to keep in your place but I relished being a dole

 hopper-writer you had to dig down inside 

yourself to bring up the treasure. 

My time was my own

 

I didn’t live in a pension state, I lived on 

well-fare, your pride is priceless try not

to live on corporate greed. Maggie thatcher

the bitch turned me into a writer.

 

It backfired on the bitch and found my

inner worth. Once I found it

there was no looking back, it was

always in my inner being from a very

early age. 

Mentors like James simmons

took it out of me, I swore that I would 

give out the creative writing that jimmy 

gave to me.

 

All that leveling down gave me a leveling

up, all this from a square peg in a round-

hole. It was moot the Hoople that gave me 

that rebound cliche.

 

Writers/artists found her loophole, much

Like sanctions do today they backfire. 

Little do they know that they will never put 

us down.

 

Must be such a sorry state to be one of those

Politicians that ask for thousands an hour 

while I got £5: 90 a week, greed must be 

a sorry state, get me out of there!

 My name it is Matt hand-cock I am a celeb

Don’t you know, these tory toof’s have

Taken our very form of life and what makes

it worse were letting them, get me to fuck 

out of here, please.The will to find yourself 

is such a strong force it’s like the religion 

in you. 

You don’t need a cruci-fiction you have 

a cruci-fact and you can’t beat that truth, 

we're on a level playing field the level 

is in you, poetry like sunshine it's free.

 

vALTER-NATIVE

 

The stress we put our bodies under

Gladiators in the ring into stroke victim

on the slab in an I.C.U.  We smash human 

time frames but we have to get away from this cycle of violent warmongering we are 

pummeling our existence.

 

One hundred thousand watch two men

beat themselves around the ring. Millions

like me pay per you tube the super series.

I love a good scrap but we are beating ourselves to pulp stroke victims.

 

I grew up fighting 3 times a day and I took

a massive stroke. I don’t know the alter-

Native. We have been locked in blood begets 

blood for two thousand years what started it

Was a cruci-fiction. Just think what humanity 

has fighting can be a martial art defensive

like judo an art form not a deform.

 

Let us use man’s inner strength not 

future stroke victims. A man in a wheelchair paralyzed without memory in a crippled NHS.

Don’t be like me, life isnt just a dig in

The head injury now bedbound.

There’s not much hope for me but

Humanity rules ok.

 

 

 

I live on the write hemisphere

(a pome for Iain mc Gilchrist)

 

Some say that we need both

But my left brain was erased

Long-term memory loss. I think

They are divided for survival

From injuries like living with

one lung etc.…

 

The left brain of anger angst

Warmongering in the name

Of god this is dog nonsense.

I have survived my stroke

For twenty years living in hell-

Cell. How come I live on the right

No dog exists in here is a black hole

portal of poetry.

 

Where life is peace there is no-

Thing else. Marguerite Dumas’s

Said on the study of melancholy.

‘when you find yourself In a hole

at the bottom of a hole realizing

only writing can save you’.

 

Apfox1961.blogspot.com

The write hemisphere, I found

Myself in a black hole-hell cell.

Writing is my bleak way out.

Its bleak and black beautiful

This is all I have being sad but

Not being sad John Berryman’s

’ Blind brow’.

 

I found myself in blackhole after

 a massive stroke that erased my left

like my hard drive was wiped clean.

 

 Leaving me with aphasia, aphantasia

paralyzed down the right half of my body.

My world is black and bleak but so was

Dickens and the Irish-Russian literature.

 

People don’t realize that dog thought

And sentimentality without a dark

Side. Ying dances with yang, black

mingles white, sunyata, satori how

 do you explain that one?

 

BELFAST NEW YORK 72’

 

Etna drive, north Belfast

Was my shell-shock, just

Like your Creedmore

Mental health wealth.

 

When you find yourself

in a hole at the bottom

 of a hole realizing only

blackhole writing can

 save you.

Marguerite Dumas

 

Poe-t Lou Read is my hero -

In a blue mask-Street hassle

My Dirty Boulevard at the foot

Of black cave hills looking

Down but down-is-up, you

Said pale blue eyes.

 

Linger on, streetlights shot out

bullet machine gunfire dancing

at my feet but this my walk

on the wild side.

Brian Smyth

a memorial is etched into my mind.

 

The man who saved my life shot

dead like a rock ‘n’ roll animal.

Trauma rears its ugly head tossed

Over the hedge like going over

And over the top.

 

I’m glad I don’t picture this in

My no mind's eye. I feel like

It was yesterday, I’ll always

Remember his name. 

Lou Read

will always be my Riktar-

scale remembering not to forget.

APHANTASIA