2004-2005

angry cop26 protester

TRUE BLUE LOU

                    

paint and mums ashes

one arm one leg

3000 cuts

headstone

Bluestone road 

orange hall

                        ( again and again)

Peter woke to a bright November day, he rubbed the gunk from his eyes drawn out by the T.V. doctor black eye mask. He was used to seeing black. It was black when he closed his eyes he suffered from, Aphantasia he lay there trying to see a snippet of a dream but he had a no-minds eye. he flicked through his blog on blodder.com. He couldn't remember what he wrote yesterday.    

 

This was my mind-eye recycled image when he took the first stroke that struck my balance. Never would I walk, paralyzed down the right side that lost all long term no memory of my childhood, three children  And a wife, no childhood, three children. My life was lived in a locked-in moment.No future said Johnnie Rotten, no projected hologram, both dead and gone.

The stroke left me in a wheelchair, covid was being hibernated, only caregivers and a niece. four people in two years. To years in bed to op top that I have, APHASIA. broken chords. So all I do is mumble poems on recycled distorted paintings.

adrianfox.org

Done twenty years, I cant conjure imagination so I write what i read on youtube cant cling onto memories. And I have a spinal disease, when I leave I can feel every bump in the road, can't even lay down, try to stay on one floor. Three weeks ago I had a blood infection, Sepsis took three or four weeks to recover, I am not telling you for pity this is the dog's honest truth  I can't tell lies. the stroke took all sensation from my body leaving me impotently unable to use any touch screen, all my nerve endings are. I find it so difficult to find

the buzz of life as life has no stimulation and most things are written from memory true or false so it just ends up depressing me as i know ill never be able to live as they lived.  even the Paralympics depresses me as I'm paralyzed down my right side, with only the use of one hand so I cant propel a wheelchair, end up going round and round. i want to take part in life but I know i will never walk so what's the use in living none, people think I'm saying that out of depression but again it's the dog's honest truth. I don't believe in God as there is no such entity in my mind I think I live in the right hemisphere of my mind the left is erased or damaged.

Before all this, I was a creative wring tutor with a masters degree with seven collections of 5 of my own and 2 anthologies the classes I used to teach. I had a young girlfriend who I loved, i created a cd with a folk singing friend based on lost lives which we called violets anagram we toured it in Germany, Amsterdam Belgium prisons and Ireland north and south and even did a session in the secondary school I tried to burn to the ground. I'm amazed at how I remember this and can't remember my family and friends.

I have been taking lions mane a mushroom compound that helps memory so hopefully, one day that keeps me alive and my blogs of pomes, notice I don't call them poetry, my poems used to be created from dreams and memory now I have none so I write for myself and post them on Facebook some have been published but I never wrote for money I believe that poetry like sunshine is free in both senses.

 IMAGINE THIS IS LEGAHORY CRAIGAVON

Revealing lush grass and earthly delights

Every tree bears a scar, each walked on

blade of grass.  Even the black-bird has 

a problem with the Robin scouring 

the earth tossing aside yesterdays 

rotting leaves to find food for survival.

Imagine this is Legahory, Craigavon

Northern Ireland and I’m sitting in the car

outside the health centre waiting for my wife

who will arrive any moment now with a pre-

scription that will help her through another 

stage of life.

 HAIKYOU

You have to write bad

poems to write the good ones

William Stafford

Art beats out of sync

accidentally on purpose

being non-being

I'm-poet-tent

4-skin 3-skin-

2-1-skint

Stroke, aphasia

Aphantasia, sepsis

Alive and kicking

Aphantasia-

no minds eye darkness within

dark Aphantastic

 DEATH NO DREAMS

Picasso’s Weeping woman 

and Lou Reed colour my walls 

in ecstatic agony

Humanity needs

The Belmarsh tribunal

solidarity

I no longer live

In a dream state flimsy hol-

Low gram projection.

Peace, green and orange

White is lost in between both

Blue and red

 

A LONG LONG  DAY (no hate)

How can I get down to the root of my-

self? do I really want to go there, memory?

I’m glad I don’t remember all I know

It was a riot, poems tell my tale.

They kicked me with the right foot

 And the left beat me prod and taig

But I’m still sitting on the fence, 

I am getting up again and again.

I won't let you beat me down, Iknow

You are right and wrong, like me.

Ireland/England can never be won-

One. Stop fighting, put down your guns

Tradition gets us nowhere.

You won't beat Peace out of me.

I’m locked in the vacuum of will 

Not kill. Memory is a black

And white photo shuttered Etna-

Drive, a mountainous moment

A levelled layer of street life, no

Hologram state- is that due to

A lack of memory or Aphantasia?

The left and write of centre.

Darkness within darkness, you

Can beat me all you want to but

My metabolism is strong, stroke

And sepsis won't bring me down.

Peace is in my heart, stuck shell-

Shock, Its coming apart at the seams.

I’m still sitting on the fence.

In the morning I’m up, up, up. up.

By evening I'm down, down, down.

Poetry is the middle ground..

HAIKYOU

Sammy the spider 

Reincarnated on my 

Wall almost motionless

A nuclear bomb named

Trinity-three in one

Killed one in three

From child poverty

To Lambborgini Sian

You tube division

Soil oil, rape the land

Pillage everything that’s good

Call it climate change

                  HAIKYOU

  WILL   NOT  KILL

Everything is cool 

running smooth, then out pops-

the gun, his-story.

Aphantastic

 

Aphantastic   

finding your self in a hole at the bottom of a hole of solidude realising olny writing can save you.

  .

Aphantasia is the inability to visualize mental images, that is, not being able to picture something in one's mind. Many people with aphantasia are also unable to recall sounds, smells, or sensations of touch. Some also report prosopagnosia, the inability to recognize faces. The phenomenon was first described by Francis Galton in 1880 but has since remained relativ

ely unstudied. 

Interest in the phenomenon renewed after the publication of a study in 2015 conducted by a team led by Professor Adam Zeman of the University of Exeter, which also coined the term aphantasia. Research on the condition is still scarce. The term aphantasia is derived from the Ancient Greek word phantasia (φᾰντᾰσῐ́ᾱ), which translates to 'imagination', and the prefix a- (ᾰ̓-), which means 'without'. Hyperphantasia, where mental imagery is unusually vivid, is the opposite to Aphansia.to

Wow just a name lifted my spirit and inspired me to create this blog  Aphantastic 

 

APHANTASTIC

It’s Aphantastic to put a name on something

the very thing that drove me to suicide. 

For the last eighteen years, I have been 

writing blackhole poetry, my writing has 

pulled me from the ledge, as John Berryman 

called ‘The blind-brow.’ 

All those years spent in default mode, telling 

doctors, nurses and psychiatric professionals. 

Who had no clue about the blackness behind 

my eyes, unable to conjure up images from 

my mind's eye.

Unable to cling to images of my own sons, 

my childhood and my family. It was as if

I was a blank shell of a man.  At least now I’ve got 

a name, a reason for my anxiety.

I flicked through YouTube as I stay away from adverts. 

I watched a guy talking to a professor about 

how he couldn’t hold the images of his dead mother 

in his mind and thought he was going mad 

and the professor said he had a condition

called Aphantasia.

I have been trying to form from a formless mind but 

I knew I knew I was on to something, there was a method to my madness. The poems were feeding me hope, 

even it was a dark hope. 

Wow, just a name lifted my spirit and inspired 

me to create this blog of hopeless hope.