UNEMOTIONAL ENGINEERING

For Lapwing-Lagan thanx for all your hope.

 

 A fox thought lives locked in me, I want to be 

positive but I can't summon up the spirit of the fox

on Bodhran beat, my rhythmic sense is gone. Back

then in the other world when I saw the fox in nature

it flipped my mindset from war to peace. 

It made me see all the world was not at war, I knew 

nothing else but bombs and bullets. I saw life from 

another perspective it wasn't just that eureka moment 

but that was the evolution of A Fox thought. A street kid 

to become a published writer it all stem cell from that.

Shame I don't remember but I know the magic people 

and places just can't visualize pen-see. I want to relive 

that magic moment but I don't remember. Lately, I can't 

find the positivity to turn my muck into gold. 

This is my study of my pessimism, I am not writing 

to depress you. I have nothing else to say but tell you 

the dog's honest truth, my life is a suffering fucking hell. 

Nietzche like me took a stroke at 45, he has my will

to power.

I live outside humanity looking in.  

All my body sensation has gone and left me impotent in 

mental capacity. To think once 

a creative writing tutor now my 

mind is blank-black.

 

I can’t even use a touchscreen phone or iPad there is

no sensation in my fingertip that I can’t put my 

finger on. I live in a dis-able bubble that imploded like

a hadron collider reaction. No one out there seems 

to know me or care to know myself and I. Don’t even 

know myself. I am 1,2,3 persons with no past or future tense.

 

Creating pomes of moment us pomements without memory.

For twenty years I have searched for positivity through Taoism-

 shamanic-active nihilism, individuation and I can't find hope 

these words are my only hope from my blemished acceptance.

 Even Alan Watts wisdom (my hero) a backward law is back-

wards. 

I live without substance I create my own substance.

half of my body is paralyzed impotent mind and body even 

the spirit of the fox is lost locked in. I want to be positive 

but I can't summon up the spirit of the fox in a Bodhran beat. 

My rhythmic sham-manic sense is gone. Back then in the other 

life when I saw the fox in nature.

 

It flipped my mindset from war to peace, made me see 

all the world was not at war. I knew nothing else but bombs 

and bullets I saw life from another perspective.

 

It wasn't just a eureka moment but that was the start 

of A Fox thought evolution. A Republican street kid 

to a degree published writer. i must have saw felt some-

thing i will never know.

 

I want to relive that magic moment butI don't remember. 

Lately, I can't find the positivity to turn my muck into gold. 

 Seems like a sham-manic symbol. I dont remember 

I don’t recall I got no memory of anything at all. 

                                                                 Peter Gabriel.

 

Music, sports and film do nothing, I have lost 

my competitive edge my sense of humor I don’t 

know what else to do, all I know is poe-artry.

I am compelled to write this down-up. I don’t 

even remember my family no emotional

 engineering like a child in an adult body. 

Impoetent living bed-bound constipation, prescribed 

an enema each week, and pissed myself every day.

Three blue stripes of fentanyl patch on my shoulder 

and liquid morphine every four hours for a broken body 

and mind. That's been through war shell-shock-man-

shell. As if I hold rank in my unadopted kingdom.

I know I have said some of this but I'll do it again 

until the day die. I want to be remembered not as aphasia-

aphantasia mumbling paralyzed fool with no memory 

or the ability to cling on. I don’t hibernate from life 

it hibernates from me. In-humanity in humanity 

purposeless purpose. Dogrell Cynism.