PLACEBO EFFECT

I find it very hard these days to focus on positivity

Alina Feld said in her study of melancholy, 

“the self knows it’s light only by knowing its darkness”.  

My darkness it seems is projected from within.

I live within the state of melancholy, but I hope 

this essay shines a little light in the dark.  

I am not coming to this essay trying to shove some-

thing down your throat.  I have searched and searched 

for the answer, but even in my hours of near-death, 

I found the same answers as you.

I believe I have been given a second chance 

for a reason but I'm not asking you to believe 

in something that fundamentally contradicts itself. 

I believe what I believe, it’s just that I call mine poartry, 

you have another name for this mystery, let’s leave it 

at that, a mystery. Mysteries are named so because 

they want to be left alone; if we find out what 

the mystery is then that's the end. Like poetry, 

you get something from it, then leave the rest 

alone for another day. 

You will receive something else from the same thing 

don't bury it and kill the mystery.  It’s about 

you and how you feel today, everything you receive 

depends on your mood, how positive and negative you are.  

You have the power to change your life for the better but 

it’s up to you. The power of positive thought is an amazing 

determination; tell yourself you can do it. At the minute 

I'm reading the book “Purpose Driven, What on Earth am I here for? 

“I’m looking for the answers like everyone else, but no self-help 

book will give me the answers.  At the end of the day 

they are Rick Warren's (author) words, it’s the name 

he places on it, it’s his answer but who are you, 

what's your name and most importantly what's your answer? 

  It’s in you, look at yourself!

When I was in the embrace of death there 

were always questions I needed answering. 

I remember waking up one night in a cold sweat 

from a dream. There was a crowd of doctors around me 

administering drugs. I thought I had died and this was 

my hell, but I came to realize that heaven and hell are 

the same place it’s how we think of them, they both exist 

in your mind but it’s up to you how you paint them, 

positive or negative.

I remember, many years ago, being kicked to the ground 

in Lurgan one night with seven around me and a beer 

bottle in my hand. I thought of smashing it over the ring-leaders 

head but instead I threw it away, I rolled up into a ball 

and took the beating. If I had smashed that bottle over his head 

I would be dead, not here now writing this essay. 

It’s up to you, your life says what lane it takes. As Robert Frost 

said, “Always take the road less travelled by.” Life can be affirming. 

It’s up to you and what you bring to it, so paint your picture 

with a beautiful sunrise or sunset and you can’t go wrong.

A good friend asked me to write this essay. A searcher like me, 

she and her son have, along with others has been instrumental 

in my life since the stroke.  They are the ‘road less travelled by,' 

they are the sunrise and sunset of my life, they are my 

positive thoughts.  I wouldn't be here without those people, 

they were there for me. It's at times like this you realize 

who your friends are. Without them I would have become 

negative; instead with their power and my own 

determination I pulled through.

Alright I'll never be 100% the person I was, but 

I'm alive. I have someone to thank for that, even if 

it's me, my friends and family. I believe in them 

and they believe in me; that's what I call the power 

of healing the positive force within me. 

The beauty is not to ask people to believe in what 

you believe in. Whatever happened to diversity? 

Believe in whatever you want to, it’s your right. 

If it paints your day so be it, that's your positive force.

This past years has been the worst I have ever encountered. 

As well as recovering from a stroke which almost killed me.

The stroke came without warning. I was on the edge of the bed, 

then I was on the floor shaking. I didn't know what was happening. 

I crawled into my mother's room and asked her what was happening; 

she told me I was taking a stroke. She phoned the doctor. 

All I can remember is being rushed to Intensive Care.  

I had ‘locked in Syndrome.' I knew what to say but 

hadn't the power to communicate.

I was flat on my back and could only move my eyes 

I was so afraid it was uncanny. I thought everyone was out 

to get me, without the power to resist. I really did believe 

I would go out in a wooden box.

I remembered an experience from childhood. I was running along 

a pier when I slipped on seaweed and fell into the water. I was trying 

to get out of there. I feared I would die but when I looked around 

it was beautiful in there; the seaweed was dancing 

and for a second it was beautiful.  An American tourist dived in, 

pulled me out and pumped the water from my lungs. 

Since that day I have never met him but thank you.

It felt like that during my stroke, I was lost walking 

around in a field, then I woke up with friends around me. 

I don't let on to know the answers to life, I am just like you, 

a searcher of the truth and lying there in that hospital bed 

I realized that there is no great light that I'm drawn towards, 

just the people who loved me for their own reasons not mine.  

Someone once said ‘Never judge your enemy, it clouds 

your judgment.' 

The power of positive thought is everywhere, it’s what they see 

in you. These are the positive thoughts I have produced.   

I'm not looking for sympathy or pity you can keep it. 

All I ask is that you read this and determine your 

own answers, not one that's shoved down your throat, 

I hope this is your placebo effect.