Tuesday, 21 September 2021

ALL FOR A FAG

 

There was no LGBTQ in 1973, a smell wafted off me

and came up to a head. Sisters’ boyfriend tried

to have me all for a fag. A priest thought I a lost

and troubled little lad. They both got a dig in head.

I came from macho republicanism but my mother

Kept me right in humanism and Lou Reed was my hero.

 

My only way out of this year was to kick-back, queer bashing,

They came out of the wood work So I crucified them beat one

with a plank nearly killed him, the poor guy-wasn’t his fault

wasn’t mine.

 

I wasn’t any-bodies play-thing. I knew my only one way.

Are we all twisted by priests and perverts is there such

Thing as a natural queer or? Are we all from a fucked up

Society, we have to start Loving again.

 



Saturday, 18 September 2021

  

IN TWO MINDS

To share this with you

but body clock is right-up

left. Aphantastic.

IN TWO MINDS



To share this with you

but body clock is right-up

left. Aphantastic.


BLIND BROW


Down on the pier by


The balancing lakes, balancing


freezing water warm stones.


MISSISSIPPI

for Jeff Buckley


"Its a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"

                                          Leonard Cohen

 

"don't be like me-

         and burn your books of poetry'. 

  Hallelujah, Mississippi Hallelujah

Thursday, 16 September 2021

STILL LIFE  


Plate rests on the bowl

There is no room on-

the bed side table.

Haiku in haiku

out, a clean slate every-

day in day out again.


Sky walking, your poem

Held me up, Raymond Carver

'Imagine that wire'.


Tight-rope of

literature, you held my

hand stepped out

 

Constipation pain

Like a bag of shit tied up

in a bag of skin.

 

Disability-

is in my nature, it makes

nothing of me, shell


even if it makes 

somethig out of you

Herni Michaux


I am nobody in

Hell-cell, shell shock-

Took my name away



 

A doorway, portal

of poetry, took me down 

new path to the waterfall




Wednesday, 15 September 2021

Poems were once-

       Dreams, I wrote them before-

            my feet hit the ground.

 


Now, I don’t have in-

sight to dream, filthy realism!

Stroke took my inner core.



 


Monday, 13 September 2021

 READ LOU


Lou Reed gave me-
the essence and all his strength 
A blue mask-

sad song a curl of 
his lip a look in his eye 
take no prisoners 

Look inside, a rock n roll 
animal-legendary 
heart goes out not with 

scotch tape, not with 
glue the gel of street-level 
humanity, adhere 

to an uncertain 
probability rushing 
on my run-


a radiance of strength 
to sustain in me another 
breath. 

American poet 
washed up on my shore you 


 

 

 

Ma, me, Stephanie

soiled in lie-low grave

remember-ance

Saturday, 11 September 2021

 

    A SERIES OF SHORTS 1.  


ANOTHER CENTURY

(Digging up a past again)

 

 I never felt the beat of my heart until I was 

six years old. A two hour white knuckled 

journey, two sick bags later the aeroplane 

fell like a time machine and taxied to

a halt on the runway. 


A rush of blood surged through the young 

boys' veins he kissed his mothers bruised hand.

He watched the countryside disappear out

the back window of the taxi falling through 

civilisation shops school’s, people churches, 


  As they travelled a main road, he watched

 the grey clouds of depression follow them.

He heard is father say that boy needs good

kick in the ass, you molly-coddle him, this

town will sort him out, can't you see

he was frightened.

 

As the car turned at a mill, into the olde part

of town like going into another century, that’s

where your aunt Sarah works said his father

 passing a schools double spiked gate,


he said there’s your school, it stood empty

alone surrounded by a red brick wall topped

with rusted barbed wire.The car turned right 

onto a cobbled street,it thumped up past 

a group of rough looking boys playing football 

on the street while girls swung on ropes around 

gas lights converted year was nineteen sixty-seven.

 


The car pulled up and his father knocked on

a blood-red door. A mousy-haired woman

in a drab apron stood, her and the street

kids eyed them over like a family of animals.

All nine in a two up two down, they huddled

around the fire listening to Sarah who lost

three fingers at the mill spun stories of, Flax

street and banshees.

 

That night his mother tucked the little boy 

into a mattress on the lino floor. The boy was

afraid to use the outside toilet after hearing

tales of banshees. When she left he stood 

tearing the flea bites on his flesh.


he told Kcare that is etched into his broken

mind like livestock branded. The left him

crippled, his left brain was of 45 years of

memory, he couldn't remember his 3 kids

being born his childhood and a 20-year no

marriage, no x-mas celebrations no long-

term memory but this was tattooed under

his skin like the marrow in his bone.

 

 He stood there in his brothers hand me down 

pyjamas rolled up he tore his flesh, on the wall 

above his bed was the picture of a man in a crown 

of thorns drenched in blood. What is this evil place

he thought that people talk of banshees and death.


He pulled the curtain aside to see a full moon

Light up the street like it was high definition.

His mother came in with the bed pan, he asked

what is this evil place where people tell stories 

of banshees and death, she tucked him in again

don’t worry she said we will have our own

place soon.

 

He tore at his flesh looking out the window

Thinking the other side of the street was only

yards away. A man ran and stumbled on

the cobbled street from the alley chased

by police their numbers flashed in the moon-

light, they truncheoned him down kicked

him into the gutter one jumped into the air

and opened his head like a rotten tomato.

 

He boy stepped back from the street screen

That looked like a cinema silent movie,

 he threw up and retched as peas rolled on 

the lino floor. 


The next morning he was sent for broken biscuits 

to the greengrocers at the end of street it smelt 

of earth on potatoes and dulce from the sea 

the man said taste it and he spat it out, rancid.


He checked the gutter on the way back to make 

sure he wasn’t just dreaming but the blood 

was bleached white. That would be the norm 

for thirty years.

 

 


 YOU CANT BEAT THE TRUTH


A man lives in-

a shell-shock hell-cell

aphantasia

 

Long-term memory

is paralyzed aphasia:

Poet without a voice

NEGATIVE CAPABILITY

 

 


If it’s good enough for Keat’s then

Its good enough for me, Cockney

poet with negative capability.

Stroke, Aphantasia is a hurdle 

And a half paralyzed aphasia

A poet without a voice.

 





I am stating facts of cold grey matter.

I’m-poet-tent in a wheelchair under

Their tree with vibes of the Buddha.

These men are incomparable to any-

One else. Old age sickness and death.

Suffering is the truth, way of the world.

 

Harmony is a blasphemy, reach-out

For a touchable dream.




Friday, 10 September 2021

 

Aphantastic   






finding your self in a hole at the bottom of a hole of solidude realising olny writing can save you.

  .

Aphantasia is the inability to visualize mental images, that is, not being able to picture something in one's mind. Many people with aphantasia are also unable to recall sounds, smells, or sensations of touch. Some also report prosopagnosia, the inability to recognize faces. The phenomenon was first described by Francis Galton in 1880 but has since remained relativ

ely unstudied. 

Interest in the phenomenon renewed after the publication of a study in 2015 conducted by a team led by Professor Adam Zeman of the University of Exeter, which also coined the term aphantasia. Research on the condition is still scarce. The term aphantasia is derived from the Ancient Greek word phantasia (φᾰντᾰσῐ́ᾱ), which translates to 'imagination', and the prefix a- (ᾰ̓-), which means 'without'. Hyperphantasia, where mental imagery is unusually vivid, is the opposite to Aphansia.to

Wow just a name lifted my spirit and inspired me to create this blog  Aphantastic 


APHANTASTIC


It’s Aphantastic to put a name on something

the very thing that drove me to suicide. 

For the last eighteen years, I have been 

writing blackhole poetry, my writing has 

pulled me from the ledge, as John Berryman 

called ‘The blind-brow.’ 


All those years spent in default mode, telling 

doctors, nurses and psychiatric professionals. 

Who had no clue about the blackness behind 

my eyes, unable to conjure up images from 

my mind's eye.


Unable to cling to images of my own sons, 

my childhood and my family. It was as if

I was a blank shell of a man.  At least now I’ve got 

a name, a reason for my anxiety.


I flicked through YouTube as I stay away from adverts. 

I watched a guy talking to a professor about 

how he couldn’t hold the images of his dead mother 

in his mind and thought he was going mad 

and the professor said he had a condition

called Aphantasia.


I have been trying to form from a formless mind but 

I knew I knew I was on to something, there was a method to my madness. The poems were feeding me hope, 

even it was a dark hope. 




Wow, just a name lifted my spirit and inspired 

me to create this blog of hopeless hope.

  

 

MY INNER BEING

Poetry puts me

in a flow state-zone of

Negative capability


You have to go in

to come out like an M.C.

Escher illustration


Sorry if I've sent some before.. This is a blog of Green and Blue Yonder.